Living Inside Out with Toks

Ep #13 How to Make and Keep Good Friends

Narcissism. I watched Jada Pinkett smith's red table talk where she had a psychologist as a guest. Dr Ramani Durvasula shared the traits of a narcissist and In the spirit of becoming a better friend to my friends, I found myself hoping I’m not a narcissist. We think of someone who is so self-absorbed that they make everything about them, and while I don’t think I do, I did check a box or two while watching the programme. In the end, I concluded that I need to stay on that path to becoming a better, less self-absorbed person generally.

I truly believe we were created to fulfil a specific purpose on earth. And purpose has to tick two boxes. One, glorify God and two, help others. And in the process of living out your purpose, you are transformed into the person worthy of carrying it. Whatever your purpose is, you have everything you need inside you to fulfil it. My favourite example of purpose is Nick Vujicic of Life Without Limbs. He was born with no arms or legs yet daily he fulfils his purpose of breaking barriers and crossing boundaries to lead people to the love of Christ that he has experienced. Nick has reached countries in a way that many haven't. We cannot deny that what many will call impossible, he has managed to do, missing limbs notwithstanding because he has all he needs inside him.

So when we think that what we need to thrive in our purpose, we already carry inside us, we also need to believe that we are surrounded by physical resources to help us fulfil it. One of those resources is the friends you keep. In the previous hot episode of Toxic Friendships, we looked at examples of how the wrong person in your life can sabotage your growth, for example. In the same vein, the right people can help you in phenomenal ways. Episode 11 was about the Value of a good friend and I shared three examples of friends that have been instrumental in where I stand today.

So how can we attract the right people in our lives?

Let’s look at why you must have good friends. First of all, your environment feeds your mind. You cannot underestimate the rate of absorption by the mind. The mind takes in information you are not even aware is present. If you are serious about personal growth and mindset changes, you have got to cull your environment. Know who is saying what and when they are most likely to say it.

Curate Your Environment

Years ago during the recession I was navigating a fledgling business and trying to stay positive in the process when I got a call;

"Toks, you came to mind because I wanted to know how business was doing."

"Well, every day we keep pushing forward. Anyway we are coming to the end of the recession so our only option is going up from here."

"No, haven’t you heard? It’s about to get worse!"

"Well even if it does, I don’t think my industry is badly affected."

"Ah Toks, in fact they have said its your specific market that will be hurt the most."

I started sweating. She was gaining ground. "I continued weakly, well, even if that’s the case, one day it will end."

"Yes of course it will, but the question is will you survive until then? Do you have a plan B?"

She won. I didn’t have a plan B. I didn't know what I'd do if the business folded. I had tried not to think about it but this woman brought it firmly to my attention.

So the next time there was a crisis and she called, I sent her to my voicemail. I typically do this when in a vulnerable place and trying to stay grounded. You have to know what conversations to hold with whom and when. On the other hand, if you have friends that constantly remind you of your abilities you cannot see, you are in good company. Because while I believe we should make decisions and draw conclusions from our spirit, which is one with God, we sometimes reach for our emotions to affirm us. So if I don’t feel capable, I might not attempt the task. You need friends who can see your brilliance and describe it to you when you’re in the dark. That person doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be a mentor or a coach, your spouse or even a coworker.

Good Friends are an Extra Pair of Eyes (and hands)

Another reason you need good friends is they can point out obstacles on your path before you see them. They can be an extra pair of eyes for you. I have stories of when friends warned me about a danger I couldn’t see. Back in secondary school, my friend Ifeayinwa once whispered an examination tip to me. It was maths exam and our teacher famously made all the correct answers except one, C. It was multiple choice with options A to E. Of Course if you found all your answers were C, you’d be thrown off at how ridiculous it was. So my friend walked past me to get some paper and whispered to each of us- her friends, as she went past "numbers 1 to 7 C!"

In boarding school, there were times my friends warned me about a plot by a senior or staff member to punish our class or hostel so we all had the opportunity to escape.

Good Friends Help You Fight

Good friends can help you fight when you are weak. Fighting can mean looking after you when you are ill or bereaved, speaking up for you in your absence or making you look good when you don’t.

Be the Friend You want to Have

Living from the inside out will lead you to connect with the right people. Last year I began to desire a different type of circle of friends. I have my ride or die chicks, and they are not going anywhere, but as I grew, I noticed a growing need to have people with specific qualities in my life. People who would pull me up. I had a picture of the type of friends I wanted, and unknowingly, I started to desire their attributes. This led to me working on myself to acquire these desired traits, and before you knew it, I was beginning to exhibit some of the qualities.

I believe my new qualities attracted the right people to me. You have to be the friend you want to have. What's with noting is that by working on yourself, you are also becoming the type of friend people want in their life. It isn't enough to take good things, you must be willing to become desirable so others are blessed by you.

I believe God has placed people on our path that are specific for our journey. There are people who only come into our lives for a season and that’s all they’re meant to be there for. Some of my closest friends are friends from my school days. There is something so effortless and childlike in our communication, even as adults. But I also have friends today that I met in adulthood, and I trust my life with them. So don’t crop out the possibility of having a close friend that you’ve only just met.

One of the most famous friendships is between Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. Oprah tells the story of when Gayle was visiting her, this was in her very early days, she found $482 in her coat pocket. She took it out and asked her friend, you want it? And Gayle refused. Ten years later Gayle recounted the story and said she could think of a million things she could have done with the money. Paid her utility bills, bought groceries, filled her tank with petrol, but she didn’t want to ask so Oprah wouldn’t think she wanted her money. That is called self-respect.

To attract the right friends, you have to exhibit the qualities you want to see in your friends. You know what it's like when you meet someone for the first time, and by the end of the evening, you decide I never want to be friends with him or her or would like to hang out. We are constantly being watched in the same way we watch others and while one evening isn’t enough to decide to be besties, a lot can be revealed about a person through conversation.

How to win Friends

In his best-selling book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, one of Dale Carnegie’s tips is to respect people. Even if you don’t agree with their opinion, you don’t have to be rude or forceful about it. People are turned off when you try to be a know it all, denouncing their views and describing it as wrong. There is such a thing as agreeing to disagree. This doesn’t mean don’t have an opinion, rather we should have our opinion but not enforce it on others. The more time you spend working on your inside, the more qualities you’ll discover that you want to either lose or keep.

I discovered only recently that I don’t have the patience for people who want to keep me in the past. I hadn’t spoken to this old friend for a few years and called to see how he was doing. During the conversation, he lectured me on changes I need to make in my life, and how I needed to step up in some areas. I’m sure he meant well. But he was speaking to a version of Toks that no longer existed.

I was taken aback that my friend did not know me, and I felt disrespected by his comments although to be fair, he didn’t do or say anything he wouldn’t normally have said, In the three years since we last connected, I had grown. So it felt like he didn’t recognise my growth and was fixated on my weaknesses; any further conversation would have annoyed me so I hung up.

Good Friends Grow With You

I want to be with people who are passionate about growing and recognise growth when they see it. And he didn’t. This is a new desire because the same conversation wouldn’t have gone left if we’d had it a couple of years ago. This tells us that change can affect friendships. But it is important that you recognise the changes you are going through so you don’t drive good friends away, and you must also recognise and expect your friends’ growth, so they don’t walk away from you.

I believe people will receive you in the way you present yourself to them. If you have insecurity issues and you’re looking for someone to validate your worth, you’ll attract a predator. One who preys on your vulnerability and lack of self-worth. So don’t look for a friend to fill a void in your life, or to make up for the areas you are weak in.

Friendships should be based on mutual love and respect and authenticity. When you are in a friendship with someone who isn’t real, the years erodes the layers and eventually, you’ll be left with someone who doesn’t fit into the space you carved out for them. This means you should also practice authentic living. I define authenticity as the stripping away of embellishments so that the real you shows up. Your real self will recognise and become friends with their real self. There’ll be no weaving and diving, wondering what version of you to present each time you meet.

Know Your Foundation, Know Your Values

I don’t think friends need to have the same interests or be similar in the way they think. Those are relatively surface traits which do not necessarily form the foundation of who we are. What matters, are the values we hold. What are those make or break attributes that you will not compromise on? This does not mean you should only have friends that share the same values as you. But to know what you desire in a friend, you must know who you are and what’s important to you. The more we explore, the more we discover that to have good friends, one must know one’s self and live from the inside out.
Here’s my assignment for you this week, take a values test, link below.

Over the years, how have you made some of your most memorable friendships? Also, what's your number one value?

Values Living Questionnaire

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Ep #12 Toxic Friendships: Six Types of Friends to Avoid

Did you know that the people in your circle influence the decisions you make? Taking time to inspect your environment and how it is feeding you is crucial, and your relationships form a large part of your environment.

 

In this episode I share, some of my experiences with friendships that have had a limiting effect on me. The stories are true but the names are fictitious. You may find some of these rates in a relative, co-worker or even yourself- as I did. 

 

 

 

Passive Aggressive Porsha

 

My first Porsha was in secondary school. The day the friendship came to an end was when she borrowed my shoes and refused to give them back. I demanded that they are returned and she threw them at me in anger. In all fairness, we were only 12 or 13 so you can just imagine these little people squabbling :)

 

 

Opinionated Olivia

 

Since friendships are made up of two or more people, we cannot ignore the role our personality plays in forging that relationship. I believe there are some combinations that just won’t work. And it might not even be a personality trait issue, it could be a mindset issue. Case in point.

 

Olivia and I had been friends for over a decade. We were there for each other and you know, spent a lot of time together. The friction commenced when I started my living authentically journey.

 

 

Rigid Rita is close-minded and allergic to growth. She is probably loyal and kind-hearted, but her reluctance to grow will hold you back. We live in a time where things are changing at a rapid pace. You have to be aware of changes going on in the world if you are going to be doing business with anyone outside your family. Ritas simply do not believe in evolving and in the end, it will be like running a two-legged race while your partner walks or stands still.

 

 

Competitive Clarissa

This lady here has used you as the template for her advancement. When you turn right, she must turn right twice. She cannot behove the thought of you doing better than her. She may not deliberately try to drown you, but if you are drowning, she’d help you out, then go on to blame you for falling into the river in the first place. 

 

 

Loose-Lipped Lolita

You better not share any secrets. Here’s a general rule. Anyone who will gossip about their friend is already talking about you. I had a personal experience of this a few years ago. This person talked dirty about her friends, many of whom I had never met.

 

Ursula the User.

Ursula can only be reached when she wants something from you- Ursula is that girl that is perpetually busy but has time to call you for financial help or to obtain emotional support. She calls to pick your brains and ask for advice. All of which is fine. But when you have a need, she is so sorry but unavailable to help.

 

 

What is your friendship game like? What does your circle look like? I believe the people in our circle can influence how we think and therefore what we do. Your life- whether it is good or evolving is the result of your environment because your environment feeds your mind. 

 

 If you are not on my friends' list, jump on at toksaruoture.com so you can be alerted when I announce my coaching classes. Also, please don’t forget to give the Living Inside Out Podcast a five-star rating on the Apple podcast app. I am on social  @toksaruoture- first name and surname on Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn.

 

 

References:

10 signs of a Passive-Aggressive Relationship

 

 

 

Ep #11 The Value of a Good Friend

A girl’s first friend is herself, before her siblings if she has any. The closeness and love we have for ourselves I believe forms the foundation of future relationships. Any insecurities we carry are in part responsible for any toxic relationships we are holding on to. 

 

I don’t know about you but as I’ve gotten older, my circle of friends have shrunk. Maybe its because you truly need a village to raise you until you don’t need as much handholding any longer. Letting go of your tribe’s hands can be a sign of growth- although not always. I have picked three types of friends that have helped me grow over the years.

 

1. The One who takes you in when you are homeless.

I learned that you cannot tell who your true friends are until you are stripped of everything. Because some people are friends with the things that embellish you. Others are friends with the way you look when you are adorned by nice things- like smokey eyes that are not a part of your everyday look. Still, others are friends with you because of how you make them feel, and no one wants a Debbie downer in their circle. We returned to England homeless and this friend, Suzy, took my growing family into her home. I cannot tell the story of my life without mentioning Suzy’s name. We didn’t grow up together, but we might as well have.

 

One of the attributes I noticed only when I looked back was that she never looked down on us for not having anything to our name. She saw and still sees the value in people- not in the assets or achievements of others. The joy of having a person who truly sees you and truly loves you is plentiful. You can be yourself and not worry about how they receive you. You don’t have to plan and arrange your words before you speak. You can give them a gift in a paper bag- because you forgot to buy a gift bag. You can even forget their birthday and they will be fine with that. Because they know you. And your friendship goes beyond material things. I came across this quote which aptly describes this sort of friendship: 

 

A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden.

 

 

• 2. The One who will pray with you at 2 am in the morning.

My son was at heaven’s door. The doctors had given up on him. They didn’t know what else to do. Their exact words were, Mrs Aruoture, we have done all we can.’ Shoulders were hunched. Voices were hushed and low. And this scared mother fell to her knees begging the doctors- begging God to try again. It WAS 2 am or so. I called three friends and my aunty in Leicester. I told them to pray.  My dear friend Buki is a doctor based in the USA. We have seen each other twice in the last thirty years but with her- that’s neither here nor there. You need that friend too. The one who doesn’t get upset that you didn’t call her. The one who loves you without needing to say so with words.  I knew she’d pray. We had prayed together in the past and shared intimate stories.

 

Shola told me she’d call me right back. And she did, five minutes later. Toks, the reason I said I’d call back was that God woke me up a couple of minutes before you called and told me to expect your call. That freaked me out- but I saved that freaking out for later because I needed to deal with the matter at hand. Shola left her house- her family at 2 in the morning and made the thirty-minute drive to a hospital to sit and pray with her friend. Guys, you need a Shola in your life. For me, it’s two-fold. For years I marvelled at her willingness to get into the cold night and drive to meet me. I struggle to leave my warm duvet to have my quiet time inside my own house, wearing a warm fuzzy housecoat, fuzzy socks and a hot cup of tea. But this woman left her warm bed and headed out. But while I was preparing this episode, I saw a side to the friendship I never considered which is that I had someone in my life that God could speak to on my behalf. And when she showed up, she prayed and cried out to God like she was praying for her own son. She felt the same panic I did, as a mum and feared for our son’s life. And God answered. That 12-year-old son is now 19 and still as cheeky and loving as he was at 12. A quote that describes this type of friend is:

 

Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they're always there.

 

• 3. The One who can hover above your life and see what’s up.

This is your sensible friend. She is non-judgemental and slow to speak. She doesn’t display desperation to air her views, rather she listens and observes and has the ability to extricate her emotions from what you are freaking out about, so she can make a sensible recommendation in your life. Everyone needs one in their life. I was having a moment. I knew what I wanted to do, I was clear on the direction I needed to grow in but lacked the confidence in my own ability. I had unburdened to my trusty journal. I had shared in passing with my close friends who took just knew I could do what I wanted to do. but what I didn’t tell them was that I couldn’t see what they saw. Until I spoke to Oga. She asked me what was stopping me. And I opened up and told her I had no evidence in my life that I had achieved such a feat. She sat me down and began to school me on what I had successfully done. You go to work every day. You have built a business from scratch. You have a busy household. That's the proof you need. My own concerns were valid. The limitations I identified were true, they were facts. But my friend was able to see that they existed indeed, but my gifts were superior in strength and they could override my weaknesses.

I recognise some of my gifts, but not all. I too am able to hover over the lives of others and see that in the end, they made it. This was what I saw when I looked over another friend’s life. I could see that he had a path ahead of him and it led to a beautiful destination. I saw he was literally overflowing with gifts, but he too did not see them so he couldn’t believe in them. I moved a little left and saw that he was drawing most of his conclusions based on what he saw. I also noticed his emotions played a major part in his beliefs. I saw some obstacles on his path, but there was a way around them. The trouble was he came so close to each that it obscured his vision. If only he could take a few steps back, and trust the directions he was given at the start.

 

Unofficially, my life has been dedicated to stirring people ways from obstacles in the form of limiting beliefs. I can’t say that I recognised this gift But it really gets to me when I see people struggling completely unaware that they are carrying the solution to their problems. My prayer is that the Living Inside Out Podcast will help you to identify the mindsets, beliefs and filters that have become an obstruction so you can reach out and grab the gifts God has given you. I truly truly believe that we carry in us all we need to progress, but it takes a village to do so. This week I want you to identify the traits you see in your friends and appreciate those that God has placed in your life. 

 

Everyone needs that trusted friend that can zoom out of your life, take an aerial shot and tell you what they see. To attract that friend you need to be vulnerable yet able to put your sensitivity to the side. You must also make room for that friend by removing those who occupy space in your life for the wrong reasons. And that will be in the next episode. Where we will explore toxic friendships. I don’t have a title yet- lol, but we’ll see. We’ll see. I have only shared three traits using three of my friends but there are more and I will introduce them further down the line. 

 

To subscribe to this podcast, hit the subscribe button wherever you are listening. You can also join my friends' list on my website toksaruoture.com 

 

Find me on Instagram and Facebook

 

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Podcasts | Stitcher | Spotify | RSS

 

EP #10 More Lies we Believe: Recognising the source of wrong mindsets

When it comes to removing wrong mindsets, we have to understand the source. Without knowing how a lie became our truth, we run the risk of layering our minds with the same stuff again. 

 

I know myself is a mindset that sounds grand, but it can be limiting. When the certainty of your knowledge of self  prevents you from attempting great feats, it is a problem. 

 

It is good to know yourself, but don't allow a fixed mindset to rob you of new opportunities. A fixed mindset believes in it's abilities, but doesn't think it can acquire new abilities. A growth mindset is confident even in absence of knowledge or resources; it believes it can obtain what is needed in the future. 

 

The victim mentality is one of those sneaky mindsets that does not announce itself. Every effect has a cause and victim mindset points to an external source as the cause of the challenge. 

 

A victim is someone who has suffered the effects of a bad situation like crime or illness. The mentality sees every uncomfortable situation not as life happening, but as a crime against them. The victim needs a villain, and the villain can be their parents, their neighbourhood, the government, the rich, etc. 

 

Victims share the same lexicon. They use the same words and share similar ideas. They understand each other and attract the same. 

 

Going through a major challenge can lead you into victim mode. When we stay in casualty mode, we start to attract people who only feel useful when others are in pain. Beware of friends who only show up to help you when things are rough, but feel useless if you don't need them. If you seem to end up with those sorts of friends, chances are you are attracting them. 

 

As we head into the weekend, I want to challenge you to watch the words you use. Which pool are you drawing from? 

 

References:

Psalm 139: 14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. 

 

Proverbs 4:18

The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.

 

Ep #9 Lies We Believe: Exposing the mindsets that limit growth

Mindsets are the basis from which our thoughts are formed. Your mindset is responsible for how you come to conclusions and often, for the thoughts you think. So what happens when we have a negative mindset that Is so believable?

We unearth them. In this episode I share three limiting beliefs I discovered where holding me back and how I was able to get rid of them.

 

You don’t just get to change your mindset., you have to unearth it and replace it with the truth.

 

1. It Is Not Supposed To Be This Way.

This was a mindset I inherited from a friend. I spent so much time listening to her that I started to think like her! Rejecting the circumstance you find yourself in and going in search of a ‘better’ one will take you off course. Consider the possibility that you are simply on a rocky portion of your journey. My remedy for this lie is a question: What is it is supposed to be this way? What would you do?

 

 

2. If Only… Then...

The 'if only then' mindset will have you chasing the things you are convinced you need, instead of simply following your own path. A single woman who believes her unhappiness will be resolved by a husband focus on the search of that mr right- when he may have been hidden by the pile of rubble in front of her. When I went through my stormy season, I said a lot of if only’s. If only I could redo the few months before the recession hit. If only I had done this that or the other. I found such fantasies to be really good at helping me escape my harsh reality, but really bad at making my dreams come true. If only, then, keeps you tethered to the spot as you wait for a new, better set of circumstances to emerge before you take that step.

 

The truth that turns that lie on its head is a principle that goes beyond this episode and deserves its own. Its one I call the indifference of a situation. This principle says that circumstances are neither good nor bad. They just are. Its like being born male or female, black or white. Neither is good or bad. Neither is better than the other. But choosing to see your situation as indifferent and even powerless to change itself, gives you the confidence to make the changes. 

 

3. The third lie we believe is I must follow the beaten path

I have had weird and wacky business ideas which I didn’t act on because no one else had done it. I believed there was a template I needed to follow so if my ideas were too unique, then it must not be valid. If this is you, stop. This mindset is lethal to dreams because if you happen to be surrounded by the wrong people, such as a friend who shares the same limiting beliefs as you, he or she will encourage you to follow the beaten path. It is also rooted in insecurity.

 

Here’s the Truth You need to know: You are a uniquely created being inspired by God. In other words, God had a dream and you came true. The practice of authentic living has been the single most impactful principle in my life to date. The day I understood that I was unique and different from every other person was the day I met the real Toks.

 

At the baby cot shop most of our products are individually made to order. So when you purchase a cot bed, you must be prepared to wait for anywhere from 8 to 12 weeks. However, when you receive your furniture, you will be pleasantly surprised. The quality is unmatched. The reason it takes so long is because full attention is paid to each individual piece. We have a range that is carved by hand. This means no two pieces are identical. Now compare that to high street brands. Their cots are mass produced in a country far- far away and each piece is identical to the next one. 

 

Here’s the truth: You are a beautiful, work of art. An original that cannot be copied. Did you know that you were not part of a mass production but made individually by hand? God set aside time to craft you. Your thoughts, personality, and ideas are yours alone. No one else thinks like you. Your fingerprint is proof of your one-of-a-kindness.

 

When I sat down to list the mindsets that I had recognised as limiting, I stopped counting when I got to fifteen. But I’ll share three more in Episode #10.

 

 

Ep #8 Little Balls of Fire: The Power of Small Mistakes

We have all been there, how one seemingly tiny error ends up setting everything on fire. 

A single tweet from Justine Sacco set her career and the Twitterverse, alight. That was in 2015. She posted a racist comment then boarded a 12-hour flight to South Africa. Justine landed to meet the chaos including the loss of her job. 

 The use of racist slurs along with its denial, plus Mark Fuhrman's refusal to answer a pertinent question changed the outcome of the O.J Simpson trial. 

 Derek Chauvin, a single thought to kneel on George Floyd's neck resulted in his death and worldwide protests saying what should be pretty obvious, that Black Lives Matter. #blacklivesmatter

 Throughout history, we see how a matchstick can set a forest on fire. Whether it is a single word, a social media post or a seemingly irrelevant opinion, it would appear that it is the little balls of fires, not the great ones that wreak the most havoc. 

 In this episode, we look at how mindsets and beliefs act as receptors just waiting for the right opportunity or fuel to set things ablaze. 

 But not all fires come to destroy, some come to clear a path for you to go on to greatness. This is what happened for Steve Harvey when he announced Miss Columbia as the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant in 2015. 

 There is a pivotal moment when the fire has been lit, where if you act quickly enough, you can change the course of things. 

1. Patience: Wait for the urge to pass. 

2. Know your mindsets- and uproot the wrong ones. Mindsets or receptors are waiting for the right moment to cause an explosion. The wrong word spoken by your boss. The ideal situation for a crisis. You cannot change or control external occurrences, but you have power over your own response. 

3. Humility: Choose integrity over popularity and admit your mistake, just like Steve Harvey did. 

Have you noticed it isn't the big fires that announce their presence that can ruin things? Its often the little ones, the ones we ignore that change the trajectory of our lives.

 

Bible references:

 

^{Genesis 4:6} 

Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

 

Read the full blog post at toksaruoture.com

 

 

Ep #7 How to Handle Intense Emotions

Emotions are what we experience when a thought moves us to act.

Some are more intense than others and the intense ones are responsible for equally intense actions or beliefs. In this episode, How to Handle Intense Emotions, I share some tips on using the power of fear.

We can either be led by fear, or we can use fear as a springboard to leap forward.

I have learned that you can never understand a person until you are able to get under their skin, enter into their world and see things from their point of view. Their viewpoint is their reality, and realities can be altered by intense feelings.

Tips for handling fear:

1. Draw boundary lines around areas of your heart so that a powerful feeling of fear or anger, for example, does not go on to disrupt other areas.
2. Channel it into a physical act. Not one that you have no control over such as rage, but one that will produce results and bring you into a place of peace. A tumultuous mind cannot make smart decisions.
3. Talk to your sisters or brothers. It is important to have the right people in your life. You need your crazy friends, your confidantes, your calm friends and more.

I would love to carry on this conversation and hear your thoughts. We can do this on social media- @toksaruoture on Facebook, Instagram and Linkedin. 

 

If you’re yet to subscribe, please do so and if you enjoyed this episode, head over to iTunes and give it a five-star rating. I am also growing my listenership and grateful to you for listening, can I ask that you share with your network?

 

 

Thank you for listening and remember to live always, from the inside out. 

 

 

Ep #6 Joy or Pain: Emotional Decision Making

How do you make decisions- serious ones? Many of us do so based on our emotions. We are driven by the urgency, the pressing need that fear carries or pulled by the impulse joy brings. When we make decisions solely in response to our emotions, we are leaving the outcome to chance.

 

The trouble is emotions are unreliable. And relying on them can lead us down the wrong path.

 

In this episode, I share real examples of how I have made decisions based on either fear or joy and the complications that resulted from them.

 

My hope is that by the end of this episode, you’d rejig your processes and draw from a place deeper than your mind. 

 

Learn more about Emotional Decision Making at toksaruoture.com

 

Book reference: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, by Bronnie Ware

 

Let's carry on the conversation on social: Instagram, Facebook and remember to leave a comment wherever you listen; this helps others find the podcast.

Ep #5 The Principle of Intention

Your feelings drive your actions. It is possible to have one desire but work towards an unrelated goal, one that your intention dictates. 

Here's some news for you; we don't get what we want. We get what we intend.

 

In this episode, I share a story of how I had the privilege of being mentored by a seasoned, successful businessman, yet I did not experience the business growth I wanted because my intentions did not line up with my desires.

 

If you don't know what your overall desires are, you will end up being impulsive and create short term fixes which will divert you from your actual goal. You've got to know what is driving your actions.

 

Read about Hidden Motives at toksaruoture.com and while you're there, why don't you join my friends' list? That way you can be informed of events, upcoming life classes and more.

 

Connect with me on Instagram, Facebook & LinkedIn: @toksaruoture

 

Book reference: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

 

Ep #4 Other People's Opinions

Crossbreeding has its place in the animal and plant kingdom, but grafting your idea on to someone else's opinion guarantees an infertile result.

 

• Hybrids take the benefits from both sides.
• Hybrids are also sterile and don’t have the life to keep reproducing.

 

Our gifts are given to help us navigate challenges so why do we graft the opinions of others on to ours? 

 

You can develop the confidence to trust your ideas and stop running to people to approve them. 

 

Your ideas have virtue, or life in them.

• Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8 KJV

 

Read the post on Other People’s Opinions on my blog, toksaruoture.com

 

Have you subscribed? Do so wherever Podcasts are played and don't forget to review this episode on iTunes